Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I realized today that I need to be more sensitive to the failures of people. I know when I fail, I feel so vulnerable and completely unprotected and sensitive. I feel like all I want to do is hide. I realized that I don't like being in a situation where I'm the one with most failure. But I think this teaches me how to behave when someone else is in the situation of the most failure. How can I be sensitive, and not prideful and not flaunt any qualities I deem as more successful? Sometimes (maybe most of the time) I have a low self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. Honestly, I don't think I'm good at much of anything. But I am amazed at others who are able to achieve so much. I can't even imagine being in the life of a person like that. But I wonder if it's better; maybe it's not. Why do people strive so much to achieve *fill in the blank*? Is life really just a series of ropes and ladders that you climb to see how far you can get? Are relationships there to just boost the level of your identity? It seems like that's the way it is sometimes.

I don't deal well with competition. I don't deal well with competition at all. I just want to get along with everybody and have everybody support everybody. And I just don't want to appear that way because that is just another ploy to climbing the ropes. To know the polite words, to act like a caring person, just so you're safe and technically equal a nice person--all the outer calculations add up, but inside what are you? What's the point of being labeled such a nice person, when you're not actually accomplishing anything? The truly kind person looks and sees deeply. The truly kind person sees deeply and responds to the person/situation at the root, not the surface. The socially accepted formalities of politeness mean nothing if the root issue is ignored.

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