New post!! Get excited everybody!! Hehe :)

I stopped writing on here because I didn't think anybody read it!! Rachel said I need to update though, so here we go!

Well, I'm going to stay at Taylor (thank God!) next semester... I have just a little over a year left! I can't believe it! I got my grades back and I got all A's except for two A minus's! That's the best I've ever done!! I was surprised.

Paul went over to the other side of the mountains today to hang with his brothers. I'm going over with his parents on Sunday to have dinner with Troy and Nicole (my future bro and sister-in-law!). I'm excited to have dinner with them, because I don't feel like we have the best relationship, and I want to try really hard to get to know Nicole better and improve our relationship.

I was planning on doing ALL the wedding planning over this Christmas break, lol, but that is definately not happening. First of all, I cannot believe how expensive tuxes are!! Wow!! $130 to rent one tux, and that's without the $30 shoes! It's disgusting. We got the bridesmaid dresses for just $35 each, which is awesome. So far it's been a wonderful break, besides the fact that Ivory is in Mexico! I miss her. . .

Anyway...Christmas cheer to all! <3

I need to sleep. I feel like I get more and more disorganized every day. My dad called yesterday and wants me to consider staying home after Christmas and taking spring semester of college off. The reason being so I can work and help pay for my wedding. On first hearing this, it seemed incredibly depressing...and still is in a lot of ways. Okay, yeah...it's still depressing in most every way. Honestly, I think I'd rather elope than quit school. My dad's always the one saying that I should focus on school more than the wedding, so I don't know why he's bringing this up now. He said something like, "I just want to make sure you get married this summer." What's THAT supposed to mean???? Jeez. I don't want to come home and work some dead-end job for more than a few months, and then spend it all on my own wedding...One day of my life. I don't want to be remembering that day as being an accumulation of all the work I've done while I could have been finishing up my degree. What's the point? Weddings aren't supposed to be like that.

I'd rather just get married in the church and go ultra-ultra cheap and have it be a small wedding I think. I don't know. I guess it wouldn't be that bad. I just don't want it to screw up the time when Paul would graduate, because I think it would if he came home.

I just can't believe how fast things change. How fast plans change. Plans aren't really anything anyway.

We talked about transferring to Central after we get married...which would be cool because it would probably be free for us, and Paul's brother Eric would be going there. It would be nice to hang out with him more, and hopefully affect his life if we could.

I just don't know. I don't like not having set plans of how things will happen. I just don't know how this is all going to work out. I just want to graduate college... And I'm so close. I don't feel like stretching it out any longer. I could be graduated by the end of January 2010. That's a little over a year from now! I think we will probably stay at Taylor. It seems silly to stop college for a wedding. I don't know. Maybe it's not...

I just wish I knew what to do!!!

My roommate is making brownies. Brownies have a unmistakable smell. I like them.

I'm tired of school...I like it, but it wears me out. I'm constantly in a cycle of stressing and lack of sleep. This can't be good for me! What if this is shortening my lifespan!!? I've been thinking about the college system a lot...how beneficial is it? Kaydi was talking about her boyfriend, who is not a college graduate, but seems to be the smartest person she knows. He is very well read, and has his own business. He wants someday to open a used book store.

I don't know...It seems like college is a waste of time in a way. Maybe I won't realize what I've learned until I'm out, but I wish I could learn what I want to learn and not just what is assigned. I don't have time to read books that I would choose to read...I'm too busy reading ones I have to. Why am I doing this? Just to "do my time" and get that piece of paper that says I'm a college graduate? What does that even mean? Why is it so important?

What do I want to do with my life???????

I would love to own a book store--new and used, plus a coffee shop. That would be beautiful. I would start a writer's group that would meet there... and a book club. But I struggle with it, because I don't know if I have the right personality for starting this up like that. I've never been a leader personality.

I would also love to work in a publishing company. Editing a literary journal. Being the one to accept/reject pieces.

I also want to write. Writing is so hard though... it really is. First of all, getting motivated to write...then getting motivated to edit it. I wish it wasn't such a great task--to write well...

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't gone to college. Would I have learned more or less? Honestly, I can't wait to graduate. I can't wait to live real life. I just can't stand having the majority of my learning be from textbooks and lectures... I suppose it's better than learning from TV or most movies.

For the past month, I've just been feeling like there is this whole other world of knowledge that I'm missing. I feel like there's so much uncharted territory. It's hard to explain. I just have this desire to know everything there is to know about God, the world, people, and see the big picture. I just want to SEE.

Well lot's has happened since my last post. I've had time off from Kris Kringle which has allowed me to do many things. I went on vacation with my family and Paul to Ocean Shores, which was a blast. We stayed in a little cottage house, we almost completed the hardest puzzle in the world, and we almost had Paul's mom's van be swallowed by the ocean....

The next weekend, I went to Ocean Shores again, basically* on vacation with Megan and Rachel! This vacation basically consisted of trying to find dates for basically Megan and Rachel--(more importantly, dates with money to take us out to dinner basically...), shopping at basically all the malls on the way and on the way back, and chasing basically every flock of seagulls at the beach with our car! Basically, it was basically a blast. *And basically, they were basically making fun of me for basically just saying basically basic.

Then Paul's older brother Troy got married, and I had the privilege of seeing Paul in a tuxedo with a pink tie and vest, accented with a stylin' top hat---in which he looked exceptionally suave!

Well now, let me back up one day. August 1st. Paul proposed!!! And I am now engaged, soon-to-be-bride, the fiance of my very best friend. Basically, it was the most exciting day of my life. All I could say for the first ten minutes after it happened was, "OMG! OMG! Omg....!!!" It was a surreal experience--the climax of every romantic movie was happening in real life. So I am happy to say I've been engaged for ten days already! hehe :) Whenever I tell people I'm engaged, the first question they ask is "so when's the date???" That is still undecided, but most likely the day will be Aug. 1, 2009.

You may be surprised, but I think it may actually be more fun planning you're wedding before you're engaged then after...and I wish I had been one of those girls that had their entire wedding figured out before they even got into a relationship. The reason being is, there are so many decisions!!! So many. And I think it would be funner (yes, funner) to plan if there wasn't a time limit. Deciding your wedding beforehand is such a good idea, because you don't have the problem I have: I can't decide anything because all I can think about is that this is the only day...I can't have three different styles of weddings, I just get one! So I'm trying to think about all the different options at once, and it probably won't work to mix styles together. But if you do the thinking before you're engaged, you have so much more time, and you can sleep on ideas for longer. So. I highly recommend all you single girls out there to keep dreaming!!!

All that is not to say that I don't like planning my wedding. It's super-duper exciting! But it's also realistic. And I'm not always good about being realistic. Anyway. Here's the direction my dream is going right now:

Think natural. Think comfortable. Paul and I both want to be barefoot. We're thinking an orchard wedding. We're thinking tea party theme. Old teacups on the tables at the reception--a different style teacup at each setting, with unlimited chai tea and coffee. We're thinking as small as possible (without being excluding), because I get nervous in front of lots of people, and we both get drained being around crowds. We're thinking live music--my old violin teacher and her students. Probably no DJ, and for dancing, we're thinking of having everyone learn Contra dancing. This way, it's not the same as every other wedding where the people who don't know how to dance, just sit there bored...but it's all inclusive, and it's easy enough that everyone can learn if they want to. We're also thinking an afternoon wedding, around 2pm, and just serve fruit, cake, and cardamom bread, and assorted yummy things. We want the entire wedding to be fairly short: about 3 hours, and never have a dull moment. Those are our goals so far! Who knows what it'll end up being like! :) The hard part now is finding a good place and if the orchard idea is even possible. Feel free to give me ideas or tips!!

And now the present. I'm in New York right now with Paul's family, at a lake house. We spent the last few days in Connecticut and went to Paul's second cousin's wedding--which was an extremely expensive and ritzy wedding...which is nothing like what either of us would want. Now, we're just chillin' at the lake (which is more like an ocean) and having a real vacation. It's been wonderful. Next Saturday, we will go into the city and see Liz--I am so excited to see you Liz!!! Then we'll come home, frantically try to look at as many wedding places as possible, work for a couple days, and fly out to Taylor--woo hoo!!! It's been a busy summer.

Okay, if you've made it this far, I congratulate you, and you must be a really good friend! lol!

Until next time!! Peace. :)

I've come to believe that women generally care less and less about how they look the more they age. If you've ever seen those 16-year-old girls whose faces are so meticulously made-up, hair newly highlighted and cut in the latest style, preppy clothes.....it's obvious most girls go through a time where they care a lot about how they look.... Then it seems women get married (or not married) and just don't care as much. When does the turning point happen? I think it's when women realize men aren't worth the extra trouble. When a dolled up girl gets her heart broken, she just can't muster up the effort to get up that extra hour earlier and do her hair perfect for a guy again.

Or it's when the extra attention they're getting isn't the kind of attention they really want... Sometimes I think beautiful people have it the worst... The other day my mom was telling me about the time she spend in Thailand when she was in college. She was working with Cambodian refugees and there was a very beautiful Thai woman in the camp.....They found out she had been raped 8 times in the jungle on her way out of Cambodia. I hadn't thought about it before, but it seems like beauty could easily be a curse, especially in other countries with corrupt police.

What is it women are trying for when they spend hundreds (or thousands) of dollars on themselves, on their appearances...? I would guess, attention and respect. They want to feel of worth...of worth enough to be pursued and to be cared for. But it usually ends up the reverse...subjectivity, disrespect, and sometimes worse. It seems women strive to make men attracted to their appearance when they can't gain their attention or respect any other way...

I think of the pornography industry. I think many of the those woman thrive off of the power they have over the men that see them, and interpret a man's powerlessness as respect and admiration. But it is not the kind of respect that would make a man want to marry her, or cherish her, or protect her.....which I think is what the porn girls wish they had.

This is an interesting article on modesty...http://www.boundless.org/2000/features/a0000413.html

:)

It's summer. yay!!!!

I've been working at the Quality Inn in Leavenworth, but I think I'm going to quit tomorrow. I'm not getting enough hours and it's too stressful. There are too many complaints and I don't like dealing with mad people when there is nothing I can do. Also, they just don't have enough people on staff at a time usually. I just don't like it very much..and I've never quit a job before. I got hired at Sleeping Lady the other day...then that same day I got a call from Safeway about openings at the Deli and Starbucks. Also, the owner of Kris Kringle called. And the Soup Cellar called. So now I'm not sure what to do! Also, I applied at Copper Creek and they'll probably start doing interviews this week. I need to find out how many hours each one would give me and the pay... Soup Cellar is probably the best because I would get tips and I worked there over Christmas, so I won't have to learn a new system or anything. Anyway....jobs!!! They are just kind of annoying when you can't get full time anywhere..! Paul got it good at the Pizza Co. Only 6 hour shifts and $50 in tips every night = awesome. I admit, I was jealous! I start at Sleeping Lady on Tuesday...hopefully it will be fun!

Aren't koala bears cute????!!!

I discovered a new poet today that I really like. His name is John Rybicki. I'm going to post some of his amazing poetry here, for your enjoyment! :D

The Earth Is Not Quiet

For Calvin Galazin

Even leaves are rattling
out of hearts. I gravel skid
and dive over my handlebars.
I know what the leaves are:

one formed from the heart of
the priest lifting this skinny boy
like some host five feet off
the altar and hanging him

from the pin in Christ's feet;
one shaped from the heart of
the German man on the line at
Dodge Truck, seventy-one years

old and he's still stretching
Cinderella's slipper
over 487 brake pedals each day,
fire and floating metal carriages

and sweat blown back around him
as if gathering in a twirling midnight
dress; another leaf for the nurse,
her fingers hollow as bone flutes

and she's piping them all night
beside her boy's oxygen tent;
another leaf for the father, who,
three hours earlier, slammed the rolling

hospital bed through doctors to find
a wall socket that would give
his blue boy oxygen. The boy
diving over his handlebars

because maybe this time the leaf
is the father's heart falling.


Here's a link to another one of his poems that I like maybe even more. :) AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL

I realized today that I need to be more sensitive to the failures of people. I know when I fail, I feel so vulnerable and completely unprotected and sensitive. I feel like all I want to do is hide. I realized that I don't like being in a situation where I'm the one with most failure. But I think this teaches me how to behave when someone else is in the situation of the most failure. How can I be sensitive, and not prideful and not flaunt any qualities I deem as more successful? Sometimes (maybe most of the time) I have a low self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. Honestly, I don't think I'm good at much of anything. But I am amazed at others who are able to achieve so much. I can't even imagine being in the life of a person like that. But I wonder if it's better; maybe it's not. Why do people strive so much to achieve *fill in the blank*? Is life really just a series of ropes and ladders that you climb to see how far you can get? Are relationships there to just boost the level of your identity? It seems like that's the way it is sometimes.

I don't deal well with competition. I don't deal well with competition at all. I just want to get along with everybody and have everybody support everybody. And I just don't want to appear that way because that is just another ploy to climbing the ropes. To know the polite words, to act like a caring person, just so you're safe and technically equal a nice person--all the outer calculations add up, but inside what are you? What's the point of being labeled such a nice person, when you're not actually accomplishing anything? The truly kind person looks and sees deeply. The truly kind person sees deeply and responds to the person/situation at the root, not the surface. The socially accepted formalities of politeness mean nothing if the root issue is ignored.

25

Also...this is really fun.

I dare you.

Hehehe!!!

I was walking on the side walk on campus on my way to work and there was a guy walking in front of me a few steps ahead carrying a bundled up shirt in his hand. Suddenly, I see a pair of whitie tighties fall out of the shirt and onto the sidewalk! He quickly picked them up and looked around to see if anyone saw...and saw me... He must have been so embarrassed! lol

Sticky Note Attack!!!

Quick Story! (I wrote this on a back of a notecard!)

I love blood. There are so many different flavors of it. There's the sweet and sugary kind, the creamy milky kind, thick or thin--everyone has their own distinct flavor. I don't understand how humans can stop themselves from biting into their own flesh and sucking themselves dry--it just takes so good! Yes, blood is a beautiful thing. MMM! I think I smell some beautiful bloodiness coming my way now! Ahhh, delicious. Yes, some blood-beings are coming up the trail now!

"Babyyyyy, can we turn around? My legs are burning and they're all stratched up--thanks to you. Don't you want to see sexy legs, sugar pumpkin?"

Ah, yes, coming in full view. Now this is fine dining--the hairless skin, so much area to cover...the package is even partially opened for me! Red is my favorite color... Here it comes--steady...steady... GLIP! Gulp...gulp...gulp. Sweetness... :)

Hmm. Got some thoughts today. That's cool.

I was thinking...it seems the Christian community doesn't go outside itself much. Taylor kids stay at Taylor, go to church on the weekends, etc. but few reach out to the community (I'll be honest, I don't). We can give the excuse of school right now, but I know myself, and I know that's not the real reason. The reason is we feel inadequate. We feel we don't have what it takes to "minister" to people--we don't know how to help, how to act, how to be. Even more than that, we don't believe that we can do it. We don't feel capable. We don't believe in ourselves, and neither do we believe that God can use us.

Keith Green comes to mind. I read his biography written by his wife...and I was just thinking what it would be like to be one of his kids. Keith Green raised his family, directly "ministering" to druggies, single mothers, and other screwed up people by having them LIVE with him. He bought extra houses in the neighborhood where they could live. Imagine growing up with Keith Green as your dad, and living that way...to have it be normal to be in that constant state of immersion, and faith, and selflessness.

I think a big problem today, is that we don't know what ministering is. We've grown up living in a way that we see as Christian, but the only concept of "ministering" we have is to talk to a stranger on an airplane, or go on a mission trip. One time, temporary events. What would it be like to instead live in a habit of extreme and constant involvement in the lives of our friends who are lost? What would it be like to stick it through, and never give up on somebody?

Today I've been thinking a lot about...just trying to imagine who Jesus would be if he was here today and in our culture. I just like really want him to come back, for like a day even, so I can watch him and understand. I mean, the accounts in the Bible are great and should be enough for me, but I just have this desire to see him in our world today. It's crazy though, even when Jesus was on Earth, the people didn't understand him, so it almost seems hopeless!!

Sigh..!

This story is called "This Old Man" (right now): this is the first page of it! Still writing the rest ;)

Mneh, Mneh. My dentures are so sexy. My teeth have never looked this good. I hate being old. No, I love being old. Who am I kidding—I’m not old. I’m the sexiest man alive. Yeah. The women just can’t keep their eyes off me. Oh, yeahhh. Women kill for older men. They just can’t control themselves. All I have to do is say, “hey Beautiful,” and maybe, if I really want to get them blushing, toss in a wink, and a deep gaze—gets ‘em every time. The problem is they get so clingy after a while. It’s almost like they want me to worship them. I mean, I’m a busy man. Sure, I think you’ve got a cute butt, but I don’t have time to be thinking about you all day. I don’t know what they expect. I’ve got a lot on my mind—lots of important business—I can’t be remembering everyone’s name and favorite candy. God, these women! They just undress me with their eyes wherever I go—there’s nothing I can do. They have no reserve; I tell you, they’re out of control. I can’t shut them up sometimes. And they refuse to carry on intelligent conversations; all they do is beg me to flex and do pushups and—

“Roy? There you are! What in the world are you doing sitting in the closet, you dunderhead! You’re still playing with that Rubix cube?! You can’t even see in here! C’mon, it’s time to go change your diaper. C’mon now, be a big boy!”

Story Time!

DING DONG

“What do you want?!”

“UPS Ma’am.”

“What are you doing trespassing on my land?!”

It was a scratchy, woman’s voice. It was my first day as a deliverer. Her lawn looked better than average.

SLAM

I fell back with the wind of the door. The woman opened the door, only to slam it right back into my face. “What in the world…”

I turned as if in a trance, and started walking back towards my truck when the psycho started blaring heavy metal. Then I heard her voice.

“Hey you! Come, have a cookie.”

I turned to see a hunched withered and ogrely woman. She had a tattoo on her left cheek that said “kiss me.”

“Have a cookie,” she said.

I felt terror as though this was like Hansel and Gretel, and I was about to be lured into my doom.

“No, thank you ma’am. I’m just here to drop off this package.”

“Package? Hmm.” She looked at the package, her eyes so far open, she resembled a rat. The Metallica was still screaming.

“I just need you to sign right here, ma’am.”

“Have a cookie.”

“That’s okay—I’m on a di—“

“TAKE ONE.” I felt like a little boy under my mother’s wrath, and obeyed her immediately. The cookies were small and black, the color of scorch and they smelled like fish.

I looked up to see her staring at my mouth.

“You a trumpet player?”

By now, I felt so awkward, I didn’t know who I was.

“Uhh, drummer actually.”

“Eat the cookie.”

“I’ll just save it for later, I’m not really hungry.”

“Eat it now, or I’ll kick you.”

I stared at her in dismay.

She then swiped a cookie from the plate, shoved it in my mouth, then kicked me in my shin, threw the package onto my head, and knelt down gave me a wet smooch on the cheek, and pranced back inside.

I spit the thing out, and quit my job the next day.

Here are some pictures from the India trip!

http://picasaweb.google.com/therachelsawyer/

http://picasaweb.google.com/indialighthouse08

I will put up my pictures here eventually, on the second link..enjoy!

Hi!! So! I haven't posted for 2008 years basically...! Just got back from India on Saturday night. It was the longest day ever! We were traveling for 36 hours on the way back, but I slept a lot on the planes. It's been weird transitioning back to being in the States again. I'm feeling just like I don't know where to put all the experiences I had...I don't know how to apply them to my life now. Its such different worlds. I just feel like I need to meditate on everything....and journal about it or something. So that's what I'm kinda doing now. Sometimes, I just find myself staring off into space, recalling images from the trip...but then not feeling like I can grasp the full meaning I felt when I was there. It's just this separation, and feeling of alienation.

I don't really feel like describing everything that happened there right now. I just want to talk about the things I haven't really been able to put into words. I feel like I saw a whole different side of God there. Like God was so much clearer there. Maybe it was because there is such a drastic and obvious difference between Christianity and Hinduism and Islam. Like in the States, everyone basically believes in God to some degree...or they believe such a wide variety of things. In India, you're basically either Hindu or Muslim--and its such a clear cut religion. Even visually obvious--the Hindu dot, and the Muslim black covering. India is only 3% Christian. So I guess I'm trying to say that there's such contrast. In the US, everything's muddled. So the Christians just stuck out in the contrast--the Indian Christians, and our team. Our team already stuck out because we're white...but I think the spiritual contrast made it easier to live entirely in the Spirit--it made us want to show the real Jesus to all the people who were watching (and people were staring!)..maybe BECAUSE they were watching, and also because we felt that urgency that we probably would be one of the very few Christians they would ever encounter.

I've been thinking a lot about the verse "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied." And thinking a lot about what it means to hunger and thirst... I noticed in the Indian Youth for Christ staff that we were with a lot...and at the churches we went to...that they had that hunger for God. At one of the church services, Prahba (he is the national director of YFC) taught about depending on God. We have so many things we can lean back on...our education, our family status, our looks, our friends. We can find comfort in anything, but the only gateway to experiencing life in the way it was created for is to allow God to fill us...say no to the temptations that fill our lives with cheap and artificial comfort. Be willing to dwell in that hunger for a while, and actually wait on God. In my devotional book, it said something like..."only those who want righteousness can ever get it." Do I really want righteousness? I want to want it.

I'm sick of sitting around. I need and want to get involved in a ministry. I'm sick of being a "hearer of the Word" and not necessarily a "doer." I don't want God to be an accessory...I want him to be my passion...in every area of my life! I'm trying to learn what it means to open up doors to Him that I'd never even considered offering before.