Sunday, September 20, 2009

struggling

Feeling totally stressed, and stuck with my senior project. I'm blocked, and everything I manage to write I hate. It's very depressing and frustrating and generally horrible. I just feel so much pressure, and feel like I'm already failing. It's all so terrible. It's torture looking ahead to my meetings with Satterlee, because I'm too sensitive to my work, because I already hate it. And I don't know how to produce something that I'll like. I have to just wait for it to come...that's what I always do, but I think I'm pushing for it too much. It's just this terrible internal struggle. And I'm just scared that nothing's going to change, and what am I going to do? It's just so crappy. I don't know how to turn my mind off when I'm trying to write. It's messing everything up, and it all just sucks.

I started rereading this book that I love today. It's called "From Where You Dream," and I never reread books so this is a big deal. I think it's helping me. It understands my problems! Basically, I can't get into my unconscious because I keep thinking about all the pressure, so I can't turn off my critiquing self. So it prevents me from making anything "organic." I keep turning to literal memories, which limits my creativity, and keeps me from getting in the "zone." Anyway, I understand my problem, but I'm just not sure how to get myself to stop doing this to myself. I just don't know what to do. Also, it's very unmotivating to write when you feel like everything you write is crap. I mean, I guess the first draft isn't supposed to be an amazing piece of literature, but I can't stand just a mediocre response--it feels like a failure to me. Paul says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. But I have to have some sort of standards...I don't think I can help it. I have to at least satisfy myself. I just feel so down. :(

6 comments:

Valerie said...

I'm sorry, friend. I know how rough it is, but I also know how very capable you are. I love your writing ALL the time, and I know that at the end of all this, you will have created something to be proud of.

I'll be praying for you as you work.

'Quel said...

I'll be praying for you, too!
I know this is frustrating and it's even harder when people tell you to relax and just write.

I second Val's opinion. I love your writing and I know you'll turn out something you love.

I have faith in you, Meeka!

AJH said...

The worse all of this feels now, the better it will all feel later when you succeed. Which you will.

And, also, ditto everything Val and 'Quel said.

Keep at it. ;)

Rakel said...

Been thinking of you since we talked. Don't worry Marika, I know that's easier said then done. I love you girl and you are gonna be great!
You are alwasy in my prayers! :) Gal. 1:10

meeka said...

Thanks, friends! Your comments are very encouraging. :)

Ivory said...

:D I'd say God's drawing you to Himself.