life lately

Wow, it's been a busy time lately. Paul and I have both been pretty stressed out the last few weeks, but now, it finally seems to be letting up again for both of us. Paul's been balancing school work, grad school essays, and his senior research project...and I've been balancing my senior project, work, and classes. All the other semesters seem so easy compared to this one for some reason!

Anyway, things are letting up to a more reasonable level of stress, I think. Yesterday, we were able to have a really relaxing day for the first time in a long time! We started watching these Planet Earth videos, that we rented from the library...and I've gotta say, God's Creation is freakin' awesome, beautiful, and sometimes downright creepy!!! There were like six DVD's total, and we kind of got addicted to them. We've watched every episode now, except for "the future," which I'm not sure what that alludes to. Mars, maybe? We will see. I highly recommend the movie to you though! We couldn't stop saying, "OMG. WHOA! WHAT THE HECK?! WOW. or, WEIRD, NASTY, DISGUSTING!!!!

Right now, I'm in the library, stuck on one of my stories for my senior project. :( I have to have it done by Monday, and at least 10 pages long....right now I have about 2! I had a good day on it the other day, but now today, it's just not flowing. argh. I'm looking forward to just having this story done, because then I'll have all my rough drafts done, and I can just focus on editing. I wish I could get a clearer look at my stories though. I'm really disappointed in my experience with my advisor. It's just very sad. It just feel like he's not a real reader when I get his comments. He doesn't tell me what he likes or dislikes about anything...all his comments are so objective, I can't even tell what he means by them. I don't know what it is. I don't remember having this experience with him when I had Poetry class with him. So, I guess I'm just confused. Has he changed, or have I changed...why is it different? It's really terrible, because I find myself getting really discouraged when I write, because I think about what my advisor will think....(even though he doesn't really tell me directly, it seems)...so it's very unmotivating because I have doubts that he will like anything I write. I was so doubtful, I had to email him asking him how he thinks I'm doing in the class...for fear he was going to fail me. He said I'm doing fine....but even that, I'm not sure what he means. Am I doing fine, like I don't need to worry, or am I doing fine, like I'm not doing great, but I'll probably pass. I don't know why I find him so confusing. And it's weird because I've never really had a fear of failing a class before, and this is like the most important one! I haven't said this before, but we stopped meeting in person, and are just going to do email sessions now...the reason being, I broke down balling in his office last time we met! I was so embarrassed to be crying there, because I've never in my life cried in front of a teacher before...but I couldn't stop, even though I wanted to so bad. I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. So then, he suggested we just do email sessions. I just wanted to get out there ASAP, so I agreed. But I'm glad we did it, so I don't have to see him as much anymore. I guess the thing that just really gets to me about him is that he seems to take his viewpoint as the ultimate authority. He told me at our first meeting that I am the author and to make decisions myself, but I don't think he actually believes what he says. Sometimes he would say things about my story, and I would disagree, and he would just get more and more offensive, no matter how much I tried to defend my stance. It's very irritating, and also very discouraging, because now I feel like I will only graduate Taylor if I write my senior project to please my advisor, to his standards. I would be totally happy and free, if I could just write it on my own and not have to worry about him, but to know that he's the one basically handing me my diploma, I'm afraid if I don't obey his every word, he won't be obliged to pass me. It's very trapping, mentally and creatively. I feel like he is looming over me, when I try to write. I think this has lessened a lot, now that we are not meeting face-to-face, but it's still there. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, because even when I was balling in his office, he hardly did anything more than try to offer me a tissue (which he didn't have).

It feels good to vent these things, but I know I can't dwell on them too much. Ultimately, I will graduate, even if he tries to fail me--I know I can fight it. I've earned A's in all my writing classes--that would look too weird for me to fail. This is just a trial I've got to face, and get through. It's not fun, but I guess that means it's good for me. :)