struggling

Feeling totally stressed, and stuck with my senior project. I'm blocked, and everything I manage to write I hate. It's very depressing and frustrating and generally horrible. I just feel so much pressure, and feel like I'm already failing. It's all so terrible. It's torture looking ahead to my meetings with Satterlee, because I'm too sensitive to my work, because I already hate it. And I don't know how to produce something that I'll like. I have to just wait for it to come...that's what I always do, but I think I'm pushing for it too much. It's just this terrible internal struggle. And I'm just scared that nothing's going to change, and what am I going to do? It's just so crappy. I don't know how to turn my mind off when I'm trying to write. It's messing everything up, and it all just sucks.

I started rereading this book that I love today. It's called "From Where You Dream," and I never reread books so this is a big deal. I think it's helping me. It understands my problems! Basically, I can't get into my unconscious because I keep thinking about all the pressure, so I can't turn off my critiquing self. So it prevents me from making anything "organic." I keep turning to literal memories, which limits my creativity, and keeps me from getting in the "zone." Anyway, I understand my problem, but I'm just not sure how to get myself to stop doing this to myself. I just don't know what to do. Also, it's very unmotivating to write when you feel like everything you write is crap. I mean, I guess the first draft isn't supposed to be an amazing piece of literature, but I can't stand just a mediocre response--it feels like a failure to me. Paul says I'm putting too much pressure on myself. But I have to have some sort of standards...I don't think I can help it. I have to at least satisfy myself. I just feel so down. :(

GRE's

Paul took the GRE's today, and I'm so proud of him!!! He got a 1290 (out of 1600)!!! He got well above the minimum requirement for all the grad schools he wanted to apply to. I'm so proud of him! :D

He sent his scores to Seattle Pacific, George Fox, Rosemead, & Azusa Pacific. So now the rest of the application process to go!

The Singing Microwave and His Lover, The Wailing Elephant (Part 1)

[This is how I destress from the pressure of actually writing something serious for my senior project.]

Yes, it may be hard to believe. A microwave falling in love with an elephant. A relationship destined for trouble, perhaps? Particular trouble, perhaps? Don't tell the microwave that—you'll break his heart! Just listen to the story, and believe that love is stronger, no matter the circumstances.

It all started in Burger Land, at the We Love Animals Zoo. Sammy, the zookeeper, was whistling his favorite tune as he shoveled elephant dung into a wheelbarrow, all the while thinking of his small baby at home whose bodily wastes are quite—well! He didn't even have a chance to finish that thought because a quite atrocious noise entered his ears. An elephant was throwing her tusk into the air and making the saddest, loudest, most peculiar noise an elephant could make. The sound reminded Sammy of the sound his baby makes when he wants his mommy and milk. Except worse. Way worse. Like perhaps the sound of his baby turning into a demon child who demands milk like a miniature Hitler. Except sad. And mournful.

Anyway, it is hard to describe. We will call it a wail. The Wailing Elephant continued to wail and wail and wail. Was this a tantrum, for more food? Was the Wailing Elephant depressed? Or did she just like the sound of her own noises? The zookeepers were quite confused. They tried giving her more food. She wailed. They tried special treats. Just wailing. She continued in her wailing for what seemed like a decade. By now there was an enormous crowd watching the Wailing Elephant. No one could figure it out. Well, the zookeepers just gave up, and went to their break room. They had tried everything. Finally, the Wailing Elephant ceases her wailing, and took a drink of water.

In the break room, the zookeepers sighed with relief that the terrible noise had finally stopped. Sammy was hungry and decided to put some Mac N Cheese in the microwave, for lunch. The microwave seemed dead. No lights no nothing. Stunned, you could say. You see, this microwave heard the Wailing Elephant's music. And that's exactly what it was to him. The most beautiful music he'd ever heard. He was dumbstruck from the lovely song the Wailing Elephant sang. Downright speechless. Yes, you could say the microwave fell in love at first hearing. He had never laid eyes on the Wailing Elephant. Didn't even know what an elephant looked like, in fact. He had entered the zoo in a box, remember now. But he didn't care. He was so deep in love, that not even the CEO of General Electric could have pulled him out of it. He knew he had to meet his love. This was the microwave's firmest conviction.

Once he had settled this in his mind, all this lights flickered on, and the letters L-O-V-E scrolled across his screen. Sammy blinked his eyes a few times, thinking he must be seeing things! Then he stuck his Mac N Cheese to get heated up. Remember now, that the microwave's firmest conviction now is to find his love, and win her. He turns on, and the Mac N Cheese spins. The microwave gets an idea. He pushes some of the wheels on the plate a little off the track as it spins. The result: a squeaking, moaning, horrifying noise. He twists the wheels more, and the noise is now almost equivalent to the wailing of the Wailing Elephant. “Perhaps, the Wailing Elephant will hear the Singing Microwave calling to her. Perhaps she will know that I love her,” thought the Singing Microwave.

The Wailing Elephant heard his cry, and curvaciously raised her trunk answer him.

“What is going on here!” The boss flew into the break room. “The microwave is singing, and the elephant is wailing!”

The noises were quite horrendous to all the zookeepers, and as a result, they were becoming quite irritable. Sammy stopped the microwave and decided to just eat his Mac N Cheese half cold.

Our humble home :)

Our bed, with the beautiful quilt that our friends made for us!

Bathroom!

Kitchen/Hallway/Pantry

Pantry/Extra Shelves

Kitchen Area

Dinner Table!

Part of Living Room

Couch!

Here are your requested pics, Ivory! <3>

jobbing

So far, I've applied at.....

1. Tree of Life Bookstore

2. Starbucks

3. Noah's

4. Macy's

5. Kmart

6. Payne's

I got an interview at Noah's, but didn't get it. Today I just got an email from Macy's, and set up an interview. I applied online, and they sent me an email saying to schedule my own interview today, so I did. So I have an interview on Thursday! Muncie is a bit of a drive, but it would be a job! And that would be nice. It would also be nice if I got hired there, because there are Macy's all over the country, so wherever we end up after college, I at least would have a foot in the door there, if I can't get hired other places. So, hopefully, this will work out. We will see!

Snow White

Introducing my new lappy! It is an Acer Netbook. It's 11.6" and less than 3 pounds! I love it! My old computer died a while ago, so we decided to buy this with some of our wedding money. Only $349.99 and way better than my old huge laptop was. I love this because it is so portable, but it still has a full size keyboard. It is actually on the big side for a netbook since it has a full size keyboard, but I think it's perfect this way...not to big, but not to small. It's pretty exciting. :D

In other news, I confessed to Satterlee that I only read two of the twelve books...and I was relieved to hear his response: "Two books is better than none." Yay! So I don't think it's a big deal, which is such a relief. Sigh. :)

I've filled out applications for Tree of Life, and Starbucks so far. I'll probably turn them in tomorrow, if their managers are in. I like having the manager actually see my face when I apply places, so I'm not just a piece of paper when they consider me. :)

It's been so fun setting up the apartment with Paul! I put new shelf liner on in the kitchen and put some cute wallpaper up. It's a lot of work though! I don't have it all done, but getting closer. Our kitchen sink has a little leak that maintenance hasn't fixed yet...other than that, it's been pretty nice! I love having our own place! And I love my "roommate"!!! :D

Taylor Bound

Paul and I leave Leavenworth the day after tomorrow! Can't wait to get to Taylor, and set up our apartment. I'm excited for our last five months at Taylor. I'm taking Shakespeare! It's pretty much my only real class. I have my senior project, Parnassus, and Senior Seminar--they are all just one credit. And I need to find a job! I think I will apply at Paynes, Starbucks, and Tree of Life for starters. We will see.

Wow, I just realized that we won't be getting to Taylor as late in the night as I thought! Yay! We will be arriving around 2 or 3am, but I thought the time change would be working against us, when really it will be working for us! It will only feel like 11 or 12 at night. Cool beans. (Or hot beans! As Rachel would say!)

I didn't read everything I was supposed to this summer for my senior project. I think I only finished like two books! I'm scared to tell Satterlee! And I still don't know what I'm doing exactly for my project...yikes. I need to return all my unread and overdue library books to the Leavenworth library. They are sending me a new notice like every day, it seems like! I know it will all come together...it's just kind of nerve racking not having anything together right now...... I'm wondering...do all the senior project advisors require 12 books to be read over the summer??? (Housholder?) I'm I screwed for not doing it?!?

Well, this very eventful summer is basically over now. Farwell, summer of 2009! You were wonderful.

Life is changing!

Last time I posted, Paul wasn't even here yet--wow! SO much has happened!

Paul got baptized on July 30th in the river with his mom and dad, and a friend named

Andy. They each shared their testimony beforehand, and it was a

really awesome time since there were many people there for the wedding that hadn't heard them before. Many people were moved by Paul's testimony, one of which was my grandpa who

isn't saved yet. I love my grandpa very much; please pray that he will become a Christian before he dies!

The next day was our wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner! The rehearsal dinner was in

the park, and we had a Contra dance! We weren't able to have dancing at the wedding, so this was kind of our reception except the day before. We decided to do a Contra dance instead

of having a DJ, so that everyone could be included in the dancing!

Then, August 1st was our wedding day. :) We LOVED it! We decided to do the pictures beforehand and have a "first vision," which I'm really glad we did. I started out pretty against it, thinking that it would make the ceremony less exciting. But it didn't make it any less exciting, and it made the day a lot less stressful. I wasn't really very stressed at all, which was awesome! During the ceremony, we washed each other's feet as a symbol of Eph. 5:21 "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." And also, we decided to do it to show each other that we want to love each other the way Christ loves us--unconditionally! I didn't think I was going to cry, but just as we were all lining up to walk down the aisle, I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing! I wasn't even sad, I guess just emotional. Happy tears are good. The wedding was so wonderful!

Yesterday, Rachel and I hiked Mount Stuart! It was beautiful! It's a nine mile hike round trip, but definitely worth it. I love this hike because it's not all straight uphill all the time, and it's pretty shady. There is a meadow area just before you get to the lake, and the mountain is like right there. So cool! It's so pretty especially with the snow still on the mountains. We had to used about a half a bottle of bug spray, and I still have tons of bites! And my ankle is all swollen from one too, which has never happened before. And I have bites on my head! But nature is so amazing...God's creation is amazing! And I haven't even seen that much of it!

This hike was a really nice break. A good break from work, and wedding planning, and a relationship issue I've been having with someone. Lately, I've really been learning a lot about how to deal with manipulation, and it's just not very fun. But I think it's good for me...and I think this year God has been trying to teach me to be a stronger person. I think part of becoming a stronger person is learning to stand up for yourself and for what is right (not that I'm always right!), and learning to confront issues and people honestly but in love, and for the purpose of reconciliation. Confrontation is definitely not my favorite thing to do, and sometimes things get worse before they get better. But if you never try, then they're guarenteed not to get better! So, it's definitely worth it in the long run. It's like cleaning the toilet...it's just something that has to be done. And the end result, after the long dreary process, is a great communion with the shiny clean toilet seat! So worth it, right?

Anyway! Paul will be home in exactly two weeks!!! It's about time, really. I just can't wait to pick him up at the airport, and for him to just be here. Can't wait.................................

Tomorrow is 4th of July, and my dad got the idea of going to a "tea party" in Seattle. I guess it's basically a taxes protest...which, I must say, it's justified. I don't want me or anyone else having to pay money for "global warming," and even more disturbing, I don't want my money going to the new homosexual education system that's being put in schools, to teach kindergartener's about homosexuality. That's just not fair. So I will "protest" since, at least for now, this is a free country! :)

moments that keep popping up in my mind

My dad: "I wish you could un-relative someone."

An image: An old Harley guy with a gray braid down to his butt, but only made with hair from the sides of his head, because of the large burnt circle of his bald spot.

When my coworker found out that Paul and I hadn't been living together last year (or ever): "Wow! That sure is rare nowadays, isn't it!"

...Yes, I guess it is. And lately, it seems like everyday I find out that someone else I know is getting a divorce, or has already gotten one, or has had an affair...It's just very depressing, how commonplace it is now. I think the statistic is over 50% now...I just hate it. It really is terrible. The other day I found out that at my brother's friend's wedding, his best man cancelled on him the day of. I just think people can't believe in marriage anymore. It's so sad. But I love seeing these REALLY old couples who come into Prey's Fruit Barn, still calling each other "honey dear" and being cute. I wanna be like them someday! We need those good examples, we really do.

And now I will leave you with a favorite verse of Paul and mine's. Ha! And of course the internet kicks off just when I'm about to write God's Word! I had to change computers. It can't stop me!

Proverbs 10:17 "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray."

This summer has been, is, and will be so busy! But it's a good busy.

I am in a fantastic mood right now. Today Paul bought a new plane ticket...one that's coming a week earlier than before! (His class ended early, that why this is possible.) YAY! So he'll be here the 17th instead of the 24th. Wow, that means he'll be here in 3 weeks and 2 days! So exciting..............................!!!

On Friday, my mom and I went over to the other side of the mountains and picked up my wedding dress. We decided to wait and get lunch after trying on the dress...in other words, we needed to make sure I could fit in it first. And I did! I'm glad, because I was hungry!

Later that night, we were going over to Lynn's (my future mother-in-law) neighbor's house for dinner. But, that turned out to be a surprise bridal shower! I guess I should have seen it coming, but I completely did not, even after I saw all the cars in the driveway, and even when they were yelling surprise! I was just plain confused. It took about ten minutes for it to all sink in that it was actually happening. It was my first shower, and it was such a wonderful surprise! They made me answer questions about Paul, and then chew a peice of Bubbliscious for every one I got wrong. The wad wasn't too big, but it was pretty hard to blow a bubble!

The next day was a triple shower--for my two cousins and I. Long story short, I've got a lot of "loot," as my dad calls it.

I'm getting too tired to finish this! I'm working at Prey's Fruit Barn tomorrow. I'm working there three days a week, and then at Der Tier for two. It's nice to have a change of scenery in the workplace.

Well, this wasn't much of a blog entry! Sleep is more important. :) I'm learning how nice it is to go to bed early. Love to all, and hope you all have adventurous-and-exciting,-but-happy dreams!

Peace.

I'm alive, don't worry

Well, I haven't blogged in a while...

Updates:

1. I really miss Paul! He's doing summer Greek at Taylor, until a week before the wedding. :( He might be able to come two weeks before though, if Dr. Heth ends the class early. I really hope that happens....

2. I got a job. I'm now working at a shop downtown called Der Tier Shoppe. It sells Polish pottery, paintings, beer steins, and a whole bunch of random things...such as, radiometers, wind chimes, dragon figurines, hot dog sticks, CD's, jewelry, and salt & pepper shakers. It's not a bad job. I work there by myself, and it's always really slow. I only sell about five things a day in a seven hour shift. But, oh well, it's fun. I like dusting.

3. We had a garage sale at our house on Saturday for my friend Megan, to raise money so she can go to acting and modeling championships. Garage sales are so much fun. I love the variety of people that showed up on our lawn. It was funny watching Katie (Megan's 8-year-old sister) walk around and try to sell people things. It started to drizzle rain around 10am. Megan said, "Katie, pray it won't rain." So Katie says, "Dear God, don't rain!" It sounded so funny telling God not to rain, or "reign." Oh, and it stopped raining. :)

4. Our dog is having a false pregnancy again. She thinks my mom's purse is her puppy. She'll lay on it, and lick it, and growls when you try to take it away.

5. Wedding stuff is going well. The invites are out, and it's very fun getting RSVPs in the mail every day.

6. We're (hopefully) going on a vacation to Victoria, Canada on Thursday. I say hopefully because my parents don't have passports. Do you think we'll make it?

7. I've been having this weird problem where the skin under my left eye itches. This lady told me to take my ring and rub it on it...like that's supposed to cure it? I did, but I think she was just trying to make me look funny, because it didn't really work.

8. I'm supposed to read about 12 books this summer for my senior project. That's about a book a week. I usually read about 3 books per year! So this is going to be hard. I'm already behind, I think!

Anyway, that's what's been happening with me. I'll try to keep this blog a little more up to date!

happy day

I was in the library today studying for my Spanish final like a good little smart studious Taylor girl...

Then I got the urge to write a poem! So I did. Then I wrote another, and another, and another! It was fun.

I didn't have anything else to write on, so I wrote them on the maps in the back of my Odyssey. It's fun to write on things that aren't supposed to be written on. I find it inspiring! :)

writing blues

I'm not happy with anything I write. Sigh.

Johari's Window

I learned about this in a Communications class way back. Pick words that you think describe me!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=marikagrace

It's fun!

hello world.

hello world.

I thought I would post an entry to reward myself for completing a homework assignment. So here it is--yay!

I've kinda been lacking in the motivation area lately. But, you know, there is a season for work, and, darn it, there is a season for doing nothing productive whatsoever!!!! That's my paraphrase for Ecclesiastes. And even if that's not really in there, God created a Sabbath day, okay??!!? Yes, and maybe some people don't believe in Sabbaths anymore, but really, that general concept came from God. So there.

But yeah. Sometimes in life you've got to make choices. And homework does not always come first, okay people!??!?!? Sometimes you've got to make choices, and lately when I've got some options playing ping pong in my head, I've been asking myself this question to get them settled down: Which option is going to make the best memory? Like, am I even going to remember doing the stuff that seems so important now, in a year from now? If not, I'm tempted to say, "Well, screw it!" But we can't screw everything because then we'd get kicked out of college, and blah, blah, blah.

But! I believe that we shouldn't pass things up that will make memories for things that won't. Some things you don't get the opportunity to do every day, so you've got to make sacrifices in that day so you can experience the out of the ordinary! We've got to think about the future! What will we look back on and remember?

Procrastination gets a bad rap in a lot of ways. I'm sure there are people with serious issues, but generally I think people who procrastinate just realize that something more important came up.

don't worry, it's not you!

There exists a particular person whom, when I am in this person's presence, I find myself feeling unbearably annoyed. When this person speaks, I find myself visualizing a substance, similar to a mixture of tree sap and melted gummy bears, drip out of her mouth and smear all over my body. There is nothing I can do as the goo continues to crawl out of her mouth, the stickiness clogging even the air.

this will make you smile

If you haven't already seen it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I watched it yesterday, when it had 3 million views...today it has 9 million and is on the front page of msnbc news.

I love this lady!

Meet your Meat

I know this video is really hard to watch, but it will change your life. Paul and I rented this in the DVD version from the library over break...it was like 15 minutes long. I'm glad it wasn't any longer. I've never considered myself a full vegetarian, but now I'm finding myself unable to eat meat even if I tried. It's just so sad. I'm not even a real animal lover. But these animals are God's creation. God created them even before he created humans. And he has placed them under our stewardship. I'm not saying it is wrong to eat meat. But I do believe it is wrong to mistreat animals as this video displays. Even if they are going to be killed for meat, they shouldn't be tortured until their death.

can't sleep

I can't sleep. Mong mong mong...that's the sound of my brain's feelings. It's not even that late. Last week I was staying up until 2:30am because I wasn't tired. Now I am tired, but can't sleep. It's weird how you can control most things about yourself, and your body, but you can't always make yourself fall asleep. It's Pandora time now. Maybe I can lull myself to sleep. Sigh. Music is good.

I haven't written for a long time. How sad. I miss being in a writing class. Freelance isn't really a writting class to me. We don't always get to write what we want to. Articles feel stifling to me sometimes. It's not as free. Plus, I believe my work is not as quality in this class. I know my work is completely my responsibility, but it's tempting in this class to turn in work that isn't my best just because we're not really being graded on quality. (We're graded on revision process and having a market.) The grade will be virtually the same no matter the quality. So I get lazy. Not good! I don't like to see my writing and know it's not my best. It's time I write for myself though, not who's reading it. It is easier to write well under pressure, I think. I need to learn to pressure myself.